Week 3 Weigh In
This post is definitely late in coming, but I suppose that’s better than never at all!
Weight Stats Starting Weight: 223 lbs. Last Weight: 219.4 lbs (-3.6 lbs) New Weight: 219.2 lbs (-3.8 lbs)So basically a maintenance for Week 3, but that’s really not bad considering what I ate and drank throughout the week! I used way too many points, and only ended up earning 3 activity points for the week, so I’m pretty happy right now that I didn’t see a gain.
Considering that I only actually met one of my goals for Week 3 (to continue counting my points), I think I’m going to stick with the same goals for Week 4: (1) continue counting my points no matter what; (2) plan all meals the night before; (3) make smart choices over the weekend; (4) earn 5 activity points. So far I’m doing well on all of my goals for Week 4, but I’ll leave that for another update later… I’m tired and going to bed now!
Weekly Goal Update
(1) Continue counting my points. I have been counting my points very faithfully this week, despite going over my points in a pretty major way. There were a couple of times when I thought about just giving it up for the week, because I had already ruined the week. But I’ve come to realize just how faulty that thinking really is. It’s a part of my perfectionism, and a part of why I have weight issues in the first place. If I can’t do something perfectly, I might as well not do it, right? So if I go over my points for the week, I might as well just keep eating whatever I want until my points restart next week… right?
WRONG. I need to start reminding myself that it’s okay to indulge every once in a while; key words being “every once in a while.” When something doesn’t happen quite the way I want it to, I just need to remember that the next day is a fresh start; the next meal is a fresh start, even. This is going to be a really important step toward making this a true lifestyle change.
(2) Plan meals the night before. I’ve done a little bit of this, but definitely not every day, or even most days. It’s hard to plan meals ahead of time when I’m in Hillsdale, because I don’t always know what’s going to be available. On the other hand, if I would have done some more planning for when I went out with friends, I might have been less likely to completely blow my points.
(3) Make smart choices over the weekend when with friends. This one definitely still needs work. I ended up drinking a lot, and most of what I drank wasn’t even low in points. I also ended up buying a pack of cigarettes to share with a friend at a party Saturday night… between sharing with my friend and bumming them out to other people at the party, they were gone by the end of the night, and I haven’t bought any more since, though. I think being out with friends is one of my big weaknesses, because I just kind of… forget about my goals sometimes. I see others having things that I really enjoy (can you say Saucy Dog’s Four Legged Friend? Yes, sir…), and I rationalize, or make excuses, or just plain let the thought slip.
Again: seriously faulty thinking. What’s really more important to me? Becoming a better, healthier me? Or having that calorie-laden drink? Seriously…
(4) Earn 5 activity points. So far this week I’ve earned 2 activity points. I didn’t work out when I was in Hillsdale. I was going to work out Sunday morning, but I ended up sleeping in really late because well… I had a hangover from Saturday night. I don’t think I need to repeat myself about my faulty thinking here.
I was going to work out today when I got home, too, but for some reason I’ve been having really intense lower back pain all day. Right now I’m laying on my heating pad, so we’ll see how I feel when I finally get up from the couch! I don’t even know what it could possibly be… it’s not like I’ve strained myself this week. At any rate, hopefully I can at least work out tomorrow, and maybe my back will feel okay to do some yoga after the Biggest Loser is over.
And that’s my recap on my goals so far this week..
Battling Temptation
It’s been two weeks since my last cigarette. I’m not really proud of myself; the reality is that I enjoy smoking, despite the obvious drawbacks. I constantly have to remind myself of those drawbacks, and of how easily I slip back into smoking with even just one. I enjoy having a cigarette on my way home from work; it’s relaxing. I enjoy having a cigarette with my friends over drinks. I desperately miss those hours spent smoking and waxing philosophical (or not so philosophical) in the snack bar.
I think the unfortunate fact of the matter is that most of the happiest times of my life over the past few years have centered around cigarettes, and I have yet to find something to replace that. Perhaps it will just take time. I know that it’s not actually the cigarettes that made those times happy – it was the people that I was with for the most part. I still see some of them, but it’s not really the same, and I miss that.
Tonight I’m supposed to be going out with a few people for drinks. I’m really looking forward to it, because I haven’t seen them in a while. But at the same time, I’m anxious because I don’t really know what I’ll do if one of them offers me a cigarette. I want to say that I’m stronger than that, that I’ll say no. But I really can’t say with any certainty. I remind myself of the reasons that I quit, and of how hard it is to make that decision, and I hope.
Week 2 Weigh-In and Update
I’ve come to the conclusion (or possibly realization?) that in order for me to lose weight once and for all, I need to let go of my past attempts, both successful and unsuccessful. Between the winter of 2005 and the summer of 2006 I lost over 40 lbs, then gained it back while dealing with cycling depression and emotional eating. I’m embarrassed that I gained the weight back. I look back at pictures of myself during this period of time and wonder what I did to myself, and why would I do it? It has consumed me at times, especially the thought that if I lose weight this time, I’ll probably just gain it all back again.
That being said, I’m different now. I’m more ready, more determined. I’m still dealing with some of the emotional issues that cropped up during my weight gain, but that doesn’t have to hinder me anymore. I can and will lose weight and keep it off.
This morning, after two weeks of counting points and very sporadic bouts of exercise, I weighed in at 219.4 lbs, bringing my loss to a total of 3.6 lbs. I was seriously surprised; while I did fantastic with my points during week one and lost 2.6 lbs, I did horribly this past week and still lost 1 lb. Trust me, I didn’t deserve it, and I won’t take it for granted. This past week did teach me a few things about my triggers though, so I can work on avoiding or improving in those instances.
I’ve also decided on my first short-term goal. This summer I am going to be a bridesmaid in a really good friend’s wedding; we’re doing medieval-style dresses, and my great aunt in Oregon is making mine for me. I’m going to wait to send her measurements until she absolutely needs them, and she says that she just needs them by the beginning of April. My goal is to reach 200 lbs by April 1, achieving my first 10% weight loss.
For Week 3 my goals are to (1) continue counting my points, (2) plan meals the night before, (3) make smart choices over the weekend when with friends, (4) earn 5 activity points – 3 more than Week 2.
Why, Hello 2010…
Over the past two days I have woken to a most amazing sight, considering that it’s the middle of winter in Michigan: sunshine! Not just brighter clouds, but actual, honest-to-god sunshine. It’s like an omen, the sun god proclaiming his rebirth and growing strength… Granted I’ve been too tired and apathetic to truly appreciate this Michigan miracle, but whatever.
Over the past few days I’ve thought long and hard about my resolutions for this year. I cringe at making the same resolutions every year, and yet I’ve never actually really followed through so they kind of stick with me. This year, I already have my 101 in 1001 list to work off of, but even that shamelessly includes many of those sticky issues. Still, those things are still important to me, and if I’m going to make this year count I wouldn’t want to leave them out, now would I?
1. Once and for all, I resolve to reach my healthy weight goal this year. The last time I weighed myself, I was a bit bloated up around 223 lbs. My healthy weight goal is 145 lbs, a total weight loss goal of 78 lbs, averaging out to 6.5 lbs a month. I will be counting points with Weight Watchers, and doing a number of different at-home workout routines. We recently purchased a Wii, and I got The Biggest Loser Wii game, plus I have a pretty extensive collection of workout DVD’s. I’m going to start small because I really haven’t worked out in quite a while. I did my first Biggest Loser Wii workout tonight, and it was short but pretty tough on me. I’ll be logging my daily food photos at Watch Aby Eat, as I was a little while ago.
2. To aid in my quest for a healthier 2010, I resolve to quit smoking. I haven’t had one in almost 24 hours.
That’s it for this year. Maybe if I don’t make too many resolutions, I’ll be able to focus on the ones I do make more. Now it’s really time to get to bed… back to work tomorrow, whether I really want to or not!
Looking Back
It’s that time of year. For the most part I feel a giant sense of relief knowing that the year is ending. Colin seems to think that it’s “just another day” but in my mind it’s a time specified for reflection, letting go, and looking forward.
It feels like maybe this year there needs to be a lot of letting go. When it comes right down to it I’m a very bitter, depressed person right now. Depressed, in great part, because of the weather and lack of sunshine, but also because this year feels like it was a bit wasted. I don’t feel like I did anything spectacular, or really worth celebrating.
I spent most of the year working in a position where I wasn’t appreciated, that didn’t even require a Bachelor’s degree. Crappy hours, crappy pay. I loved my girls, but I couldn’t give any more of myself than I already was and I was burning out fast. When I was told that I wasn’t even going to be interviewed for a case management position, I accepted a part-time job, way out of my field, for slightly higher pay. I enjoyed working part-time, but for the holiday season I’m working full time and I’m back to feeling like I have no time for anything else.
Unhappy and stressed, I didn’t work as hard as I could have/should have on my classes, and ended up deferring work that should have been easily finished in time. I finally gave up on one class, and only just finished my policy paper before the deferment deadline in the fall. Despite this I went ahead and had a graduation party in the spring, which hardly anyone showed up for. Those that did show up made a big deal about me finishing… until they found out that I hadn’t. Now I am finished and no one is really excited, including me. It feels like I accomplished nothing.
Every year I tell myself I’m going to lose weight and become more healthy. This year I gained weight, stopped exercising, ate more, and became less healthy. Oh yeah, and my attempt to quit smoking fell through.
Colin and I paid off our credit card debt this year. And then we racked it right back up. He needs a new car and we can’t afford it. My loans came due and we can’t afford that either.
Colin hates his job and is extremely unhappy. He was promoted and demoted, twice each. His Army promotion packet was “lost” so he wasn’t promoted when he should have been. Now he’s waiting on a call from the Border Patrol, hoping that he’ll be sent for training soon, with a fall-back plan of Afghanistan for a year with the Army, starting next spring.
I just needed to get that all out in the open. My next post will be much cheerier, I promise.
Goals for a Brighter Tomorrow
It has not gotten better. If anything, it has gotten worse. Worse to the point that the few meager good habits that I had started to feel comfortable with have vanished, and I feel like I’m continually sinking. Not even sinking, precisely… more of a standing still, considering the fact that I haven’t been able to find the energy to do much of anything recently.
I’ve gained weight. My sleep schedule is in shambles. I started smoking again.
I feel like a mess, and I haven’t entirely convinced myself that I’m willing or able to take the steps to change that. I’m not sure if it’s willingness or ability, because sometimes it is all I can do to get up from the couch to go to bed. I slept on the couch a few nights ago, after Colin went to bed, because I quite literally couldn’t find the energy to move before I dozed off.
In my mind I know that, although the natural state of Michigan in the winter does have an adverse effect on me, there should be things that I can do to correct that effect. But it’s a lot easier to say that, than to actually do it. I know that I need to start eating healthy food again, and on a regular schedule. I know that I need to start working out again. I know that I need to quit smoking, get more sleep, take care of things around the house. I know all of this. Doing it…
I’m going to start even smaller than I usually do. I’m going to start right now by going upstairs, taking an Ambien, and going to sleep.
So tired…
I went full-time on November 16, and I have been so incredibly tired ever since.
I swear, I enjoy my job. It may sound monotonous and repetitive to some people, but I really enjoy it. I just generally like working part-time better. I have time to do things; clean the house, grocery shopping, laundry, and taking care of myself. Since I’ve gone full-time, I’ve pretty much been working, spending time with Colin, cooking, and sleeping. I don’t feel like I actually have time for any of my routines, and nothing is getting done if I can’t do it from the couch in the evening.
I’ve noticed that I’m more irritable lately, too. I snapped at Colin for no particular reason last night while I was making dinner, and that makes me feel really crappy. He’s been so wonderful, and he would help out with anything that I asked him to. I just need to get over that feeling that I shouldn’t have to ask, that he should just do it.
So what will help me be less stressed and tired right now?
1. Get enough sleep. On a normal weekday I have to be at work by 9 AM, which means getting up at 7:30 AM. In order to fall asleep on time, I should probably be in bed by 10 PM. That’d give me plenty of time to read. Obviously that’s not going to happen tonight, since it’s already after 11 PM. I was totally going to go to bed early today, too, before I fell asleep watching an episode of The Office.
2. Stay on top of household chores. Before I went full-time I was doing most of the household chores during the week, with my Weekly Home Blessing on Thursdays. I was staying on top of things on a daily basis. But if I take as much time doing those things on weekdays now I would be left with no time for anything else. I need relaxing time at night! So I’m going to need to let go of some of my expectations, and ask Colin to help me fulfill others.
I’m going to keep my morning and before-bed routines, edited down just a little bit:
Morning Routine: Make bed, shower, wash face, do hair, brush teeth, wipe bathroom sink, get dressed, feed Loki, finish packing food for work.
Before Bed Routine: Run a load of laundry, make dinner, take care of dishes, fill water bottle and prepare food for next day, take meat out of the freezer if necessary, check planner and start to-do list, update Weight Watchers and plan meals for next day, straighten living room, fold and put away laundry, select outfit and accessories for next day.
And since Colin doesn’t have to be to work until afternoon tomorrow, I’m going to ask him to complete the following for me tomorrow: Change the sheets and start laundry, clean the bathrooms, and empty trash. This weekend I will figure out a better basic weekly schedule, because my old one is not going to work anymore.
3. Plan another Mental Health Holiday. I really enjoyed the last day that I designated as a MHH; I had relaxing spa time, a good meal at Woody’s Oasis, a little shopping… it was wonderful. This weekend I’m going to figure out when a good day for my next one will be, and I’m going to start planning it out so that I have something purely relaxing to look forward to.
Those are my three focus areas for right now. Maybe once I’ve gotten those taken care of I’ll be able to think straight, and focus on something else. For now, it’s time for bed. G’night!
Weigh-In Update
It’s been over two weeks since I posted my official “back on the weight-loss wagon” post, and I have to say I really haven’t been uber-focused on it for that period of time. I’ve been pretty conscious of what I’ve been eating, though, and trying to make healthier choices. I didn’t log/photograph my food for Watch Aby Eat at all for a week. But I’m back at it, and slowly but surely I know I’ll lose the weight. It did take me a pretty long time to gain it, after all.
Starting weight: 218.2 lbs
Last weight: 218.2 lbs
Current weight: 214.0 lbs
So over the last two weeks I somehow lost 4.2 lbs without really trying. Obviously this will not be the norm. I’ve started this week out strong, tracking and photographing my food, so maybe next week I’ll actually feel like I deserve the results that I get. 
Why can’t there be good news without bad news?
A few days ago Colin received the notice that he’s just waiting on the phone call to know when he leaves to train for the Border Patrol. We were elated, to say the least. This is exactly what he needs, something that will actually turn itself into a career. The problem is, we have no clue when that call might come, aside from “in the near future,” and who knows what the “near future” means for the government!
But today Colin received news that they’re closing his cottage at work. Not only that, but he’s being demoted back to Youth Specialist, and moved back over to residential. This includes a pay cut of almost $3 an hour, and most likely a much crappier schedule. Plus, he hated working in residential the last time he was moved over there. I despise how much they have jerked him around. He’s been there for almost three years, yet he’s been promoted, then demoted, then promoted, then demoted; jerked from days, to overnights, to days; moved from the boarding school to residential, back to boarding, and now back to residential. And throughout it all, there’s crappy pay, crappy health care, issues with getting days off… it’s just been horrible for him. He hasn’t been happy working there, even when he enjoys working with the kids.
I’m just praying that the Boarder Patrol pulls through sooner rather than later. I can’t stand seeing Colin so unhappy and stressed.
At least for now we will still be fine financially. I go to full time for the next few months on Monday, so that will make up for his loss in pay.
But it won’t make up for the way that they treat him, and it won’t make up for him being so unhappy. I hate that I can’t do anything about that.
